I'm a teddy bear covered in layers of dust .

Right now I'm stuck at home. I should be happy since I'm not working today but I'm just not feeling that way. For some small reasons I felt abandoned and left out. I'm still thinking about what I should pursue in the near future but I guess my mind is too messed up to make a rational decision now.

I wish I could do something to express my feelings but I just can't figure out what I should do. I'm feeling invisible again. I wish I can hug a big teddy bear and let that weird feeling melt away from my heart. Listening to music or reading doesn't work on me anymore. I need a new life so badly. I don't hate myself but I just feel like something is missing right now and it pains me every time I try to locate that missing puzzle.

I could easily get upset over stupid small things. I get annoyed when I talk to my parents. Its like I'm trying to tell them something but they will just get the wrong idea. There is no one I can talk to. I can only let out my rants on this blog. Its not like I didn't try talking but no one would listen. Or maybe they would listen for just a few seconds and then change the topic. Or sometimes they would go like "Um...sorry, I wasn't listening just now. Something else was on my mind.." It hurts when people around me treat me this way.

I even have people (not friends) who make fun of me and would then feel surprise when I told them I'm hurt. Its like they don't expect me to feel anything at all.

Ouch.

I guess I'm invisible....

And I couldn't even get angry because it will be selfish to feel that way. Other people could get away with doing any mistakes but not me. Because in their eyes, I'm just a human being destined to do nothing, be nothing and feel nothing.

To anyone who cares to read this post, thank you for doing so and I apologize if I spread any negative feelings here. Don't mean to make anyone feel bad.

Thank You and please DON't come again.

A few days ago, I was doing the morning until noon shift (10.30am-3.30pm). Towards the end of my shift, Fish & Co. was busy with customers. There was me, Bee Chin, Alex (Manager), Gobi and Mani. Kitchen staffs not included.

It was busy to the point that I was actually sliding from the bar to the kitchen, table to table...its a good thing that I didn't hit anyone. My boss always remind us to be polite to our customers. Greet them when they come in (looking lost and confused), guide them to their respective tables and bid them farewell according to our own choice of sentences in a cheerful manner.

example 1 : Thank You, Bye!
example 2 : Thank You, Please Come Again!
example 3 : Thank You, Have A Nice Day!

My sentence is example 2 but I later cut it short to "Thank You, Come Again!" because it seems impossible to include "please" when the customers are walking out quickly and sometimes ignoring us.

So, as I was heading towards another table to wipe it clean, I said "Thank you, come again!" to this lady who is leaving her table. I know she came to Fish & Co. a few times before because I recognized her face. I think she is about in her late 50s or maybe early 60s. Anyway, with a smile plastered on her face, she replied "Thank you, but I don't think I'm ever coming back again...blah,blah,blah."

And the reason I put the "blah, blah, blah" there is because I can't really remember her exact words. I do know what she is talking about but to pretend like I remember everything and then reconstruct her sentence with my own words would be unfair for her.

The "blah, blah, blah" is something about her not coming here again because the service at Fish & Co. is really poor and that after finished eating she was actually observing how everyone is doing their job. She also said she heard the bell rung many times at the kitchen and the bar but no one seems to be taking the food or drinks to serve it to the customers.

I didn't say anything in return. She went on talking to Alex. I proceed with my task while trying not to feel angry. I know I shouldn't be angry. I wanted to explain everything to her. I want her to know that I am doing my best but you don't say such things in the real world and expect everyone to understand how you feel.

I guess I was tired or maybe it was my period that caused me to feel annoyed and that soon turned into anger. I know it was unnecessary to let those words get to me but I failed miserably in controlling my anger. As soon as l lost control of that anger, I lost control of my actions as well.

I don't blame her for saying that. It was just bad luck to listen to her words at that time. Because of that unwanted anger, I ended up doing some things clumsily. I also accidentally dropped the kitchen bell. Alex must have noticed because he was asking me whether I was feeling okay and I said that its probably just the period thing that made me lost my temper.

I didn't have the chance to go sit in a corner and try to calm myself down. I had to continue serving the customers while the anger was raging inside of me. It was irrational to felt that way but that's what happened. By the time there were fewer customers I finally get to think properly and tell myself to not be angry for a small reason. I was also ashamed of myself for behaving that way.

By getting angry, I might have unintentionally affected everyone's mood. I wanted to turn back time and correct my mistake but the damage is done. It was selfish of me to react that way. I'm not the kind of person who can't handle anger very well. I can be calm but the moment I get angry, I will turn into a beast and I despise that part of me. The anger will last for awhile but I'm bad at controlling it when it is at its peak.

All I could do is apologize to the kitchen staff for dropping the bell and also to Alex for behaving immaturely. I'm grateful that they accepted my apologies. As for that lady, I hope she practice what she preached on that day. May she find a better restaurant that will satisfy her high demands.

A sad reality.

Karate

From this year onward, all uniform units meetings are on Wednesday. So that means karate class in MGSKL is on that day as well but the usual Saturday classes still remain the same. Wednesday class is now held outside the hall because the old canteen does not exist anymore and the school hall is for Taekwando. The number of members is sadly dwindling. The majority members are actually ex-students while the current students will probably show up for the first few months and magically disappear later. And oh, we only got 1 new member this year even though we are the only club in MGSKL that makes an effort every year to promote karate.

I'm not hoping for this club to have the most members. I understand that students tend to choose KRS, Kadet Bomba and Kadet Polis. Not that I have anything against these clubs. I'm just disappointed that the MGSKL karate club is not what it used to be. I remembered joining this club when I was in Form One and things were definitely different back then. We have more members, our classes are livelier and we have many black belt seniors to look up to.

I guess things changed when some seniors left. It felt weird that they left so suddenly when they were the ones who lectured the juniors for skipping classes. They were also the ones who always remind the juniors to never be afraid to push the boundaries to improve physically
and mentally. Back then, I was furious when they left. I wish they could give an explanation. A year later I realised it didn't matter. Whether I like it or not I must respect their decision. They have their reasons.

The remaining members continue training while some skip the classes. There are also those who quit because they can't handle the pressure to attend extra classes and participate in tournaments. I'm not going to lie and say that I'm good at handling those things. At least I'm honest enough to tell master that I don't want to participate in certain tournaments. Why lie when you actually have the choice to tell the truth? Certain people didn't know and so they lie to avoid tournaments or make a sudden exit, giving the reason that it is SPM year.

Many unpleasant things happened but the worse was a stupid fight last year that was caused by a blown out of proportion misunderstanding. I admit that I accidentally cause it. Just one simple sentence that was meant to be an honest opinion turned a friend into an enemy. And I never utter that sentence in front of her. Somebody I thought I could trust told her that. Even when I apologized and try to patch things up, that person rudely turn her back on me and walkaway before I could finish explaining. I get it that she is angry and maybe until this second still hates me. I wished she could have listen. Instead, she attacked me with harsh words on the phone and hung up, leaving me on the other end of the line shocked and speechless.

A few months later she didn't turn up for class. I even fought with her sister who is one year older than me because I can't take it and sort of exploded when she accused me for treating her sister badly. How could I have done that when I never speak to her again except for official matters? She was the one was rude to me and I got fingers pointed to me instead. I don't hate her anymore. I just dislike her. Hating her would meant wanting to harm her.

That worthless spat suck out all the life and joy in training for me. Until today, I still feel awkward when her older sister turn up for class. I thought of saying sorry because I've had enough of this cold war already. I talked about this to sis and some friends. Sis said it is up to me to decide while a friend said someone had to back down somehow. But what had I done wrong? I know that I'm a human being capable of making mistakes but I never meant to hurt her that way. If I want to hurt her I would have said that sentence to her. If only she listen.

She still haven't turn up for class since last year. Not that I hope for it. I know it won't be easy if she is there. But it is up to her.

I don't know how long am I going to train karate. I can't picture myself as a black belt holder. But for now I will just go with the flow because this is what my heart is telling me to do. I also hope more students will join the club because it is so hard to deal with this sad reality right now. Even if 5 people join this club I will gladly accept it.

Working at Fish & Co.

Things to remember while dealing with customers...

-The fastest food prepared is Fish and Chips.

-Calamari Fried is more popular but Calamari Grilled is healthier.

-From 3pm to 6pm, there is free beverage or free ice cream for one main course order.

-Every main course order requires one sauce set.

-Always mention the soup of the day.

-Add RM7.50 = 1 soup of the day + Passion Fruit / Kola Tonic.

-Kola Tonic = kola tonic syrup + sprite and taste like Sarsi.

-For Citibank card holders,
order 1 Fish and Chips + 1 Peri-peri Catch = 50% discount for Peri-peri Catch.

-For Hong Leong card holders,
order 1 main course = 10% discount / Free kids meal.

-Name of fish prepared for certain meals,
Fish & Chips > Catfish / Dory fish
Crispy Whole Line Fish > Sea Bass
Sambal Fish > Sea Bass

-Wrasse is not available and is replace with dory fish.

-Every kids meal comes together with soft drinks,
Ice Lemon Tea
Sprite
Coke
Passion Fruit

-Seafood platter is all grilled.

The Invisible Wall of Hatred.

Just going to try and keep this simple as possible.

My sister is happily in a relationship with a Malay guy.

Mama and papa doesn't know anything about this but mama is suspecting the same thing since sis don't take pork anymore.

Mama had warned sis before about having a Malay boyfriend. She told sis not to look for any trouble.

I hate it when mama said that. I also know that papa will be thinking in the same direction even if he is not saying anything.

I asked sis before about how papa and mama will react if her boyfriend is a Chinese, an Indian or some 'Orang Putih'. Anything but a Malay. And sis said they will probably be okay about it.

Before anyone reading this tries to assume that my parents hate Malays to the core, let me tell you that they do make friends with people of this race. If they really hate this particular race, they won't even allow me or sis to have Malay friends. So, please don't misunderstand.

If you are a Malaysian you might have witness of heard about this situation before. Isn't it funny and unfair that we are all separated in the name of religion and race?

If somewhere in this world a wealthy man forbids his daughter from marrying her poor lover, I can still see the cause of that separation even when I don't agree with it. But when religion and race are involved, I just can't understand it anymore. Especially when it involves a certain race. Maybe this is not about hatred. Maybe it is fear. Fear of what we do not know and understand fully.

I'm not religious but that doesn't mean I don't believe in the existence of God. Regardless of which religion every individual belongs to, I'm sure the aim and purpose are towards the same destination.

We are all so complicated. Same , equal but different at the same time.

I'm so Evil. How can I do this to myself!?

After I got a job, I bought 3 pair of jeans since the old ones don't fit me anymore. I'm aware that I'm not that small anymore. Yesterday, sis pointed out that my arms have grown bigger. I admit that I'm sensitive when people talk about my appearance. It hurts when outsiders and my own family members ask me why do I have so much pimples on my face. I don't blame or hate my family for saying that because I know they care about me. I just got to be stronger and deal with it in my own way.

As for gaining unwanted fats, I'm really angry with myself for letting this happen. I can't stand the sight of myself in the mirror anymore. I know that there are people out there who are bigger or have more pimples than me. But that does not make me feel better about myself. I know I can do more instead of comparing myself to people who are far worse than me.

For this year 2010, I will work hard to restore my self-confidence. I will work out at home, attend karate classes for a few more months and try out other martial arts (maybe kendo or aikido). I will also drink more water, take the right amount of food at the right time and consult a doctor to find a solution to my skin problems.

I've got to stop abandoning my health and start taking good care of myself.

I've Got a JOB!!!!

I got my first job!! I know that I don't usually have a lot of exclamation marks in my posts but it's hard to pretend like this is not a big deal for me. I will start working on 29th December together with Leanne but it won't be at the same time. I will definitely give my best. I just hope I won't make any stupid and embarrassing mistakes. I'll be earning RM5 per hour and may be working at least 5 to 6 hours a day.

It's funny that I end up working at a place that is located next to my first target (MPH) but I'm thankful that I'm doing something useful now. I'm still feeling a little bit lost and upset sometimes for no reason but I guess things are getting better or maybe it's just typical for a blur soul like me to feel this way.

So again....

"I've GOT A JOB!!!"